Is limerence normal?
In her 1979 book “Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love,” psychologist Dorothy Tennov introduced the term “limerence” to describe an intense form of romantic attraction that many people experience. But just how normal is this phenomenon?
Tennov’s theory
According to Tennov’s interviews and research, limerence is common and a normal part of the process of falling in love. She found that the majority of her research subjects had experienced at least one limerent episode in their lives, typically during adolescence or early adulthood.
Origins
Tennov suggested that limerence likely serves an evolutionary purpose, motivating pair bonding and mate selection. From this viewpoint, limerence is normal and may be a fundamental aspect of human reproductive strategy.
The existing (an credible) literature on limerence does not tend to use the term, as other ones are favoured in the research such as “romantic love”, “manic love”, “infatuation” and the like.
Interestingly, Tennov found that limerence appears across cultures, though its expression may vary. This universality suggests it’s a normal part of human experience rather than a cultural construct, however perhaps future research may find differences here.
The Spectrum
Tennov emphasised that limerence exists on a spectrum. Some key points about its normalcy:
Frequency varies: while some experience multiple limerent episodes throughout their lives, others may have only one or two significant experiences.
Duration: episodes can last from a few months to several years, with most lasting between 18 months to 3 years if reciprocation is uncertain or not achieved.
Intensity: ranges from mild preoccupation to overwhelming obsession (all-day intrusive thoughts and feelings), all within the realm of normal experience.
The intensity of limerence can vary from person to person. Some experience limerence intensely, while others experience it mildly. The intensity of limerence can also fluctuate over time. For example, a person's limerence may become more intense if they are uncertain about their LO's feelings for them.
Limerence can also vary in terms of its duration. Some experience limerence for a few weeks or months, others for years. The duration of limerence can also be affected by a number of factors, such as the LO's behavior and the limerent person's life circumstances.
The spectrum nature of limerence is also evident in how people experience it. Some people experience limerence as a very positive emotion, while others experience it as a more negative emotion. The experience of limerence can also be affected by a number of factors, such as the limerent person's personality and their relationship with their LO.
When Is It a Problem?
While limerence itself is normal, Tennov identified certain circumstances where it may become problematic:
When it interferes significantly with daily functioning,
if it persists for many years without resolution,
if occurs in inappropriate situations, e.g. while in a committed relationship (and, I would add here, you have no desire to exit it or pursue the other person in reality),
if it leads to stalking or other harmful behaviours.
Implications for Relationships
Understanding limerence as normal can help people:
Recognise their experiences as common rather than pathological,
better manage these feelings with less shame,
make more informed decisions about relationships and behaviour during limerent phases.
Conclusion
Based on Tennov’s research, limerence appears to be a normal human experience. However, like many psychological phenomena, it can become problematic only when it significantly impairs functioning or leads to harmful behaviors. This “disfunctional” level of limerence may be an entirely separate phenomenon, but this has not been defined well by research yet. Understanding its normal elements and how it can go haywire can help people better navigate their romantic experiences and relationships.
However, Tennov emphasised that being “normal” doesn’t mean limerence is necessary for love or that non-limerent individuals are any less capable of forming deep, meaningful romantic attachments. Both limerent and non-limerent paths to love are valid and normal variations of human experience.
