Limerence after 3+ years: what is happening?

Limerence, can feel all-consuming and many people worry about how long it’s going to last for them. There is no answer to this I am afraid.

But how long does it typically last, and what happens when it stretches on for years? According to Tennov’s 1979 book on limerence, the average duration is one and a half to three years. However, for some, it can persist much longer. Here are some potential reasons why, and what you can do about it.

Habit

If you've been engaging in limerent behaviors for a long time, it can become a habit. This includes things like constantly fantasising about the person, checking up on them, and seeking their approval.

If limerence lasts longer than the average of one and a half to three years, it may be because you have been practicing being limerent, even if unintentionally. If you have been limerent for a long time, you have likely been: focused on fantasising repeatedly, checking what the person is doing, getting emotional whether or not they approve of you, and seeking approval from them. These are behaviors that you can get used to.

Even if the initial pull of limerence subsides, the behaviors associated with it may become automatic. If you've been regularly engaging in these behaviors, it becomes a habit, your normal, your default. To address this, you need to become more conscious of and redirect these habits.

Emotional Addiction

You might be addicted to the emotional rollercoaster that limerence provides. The highs and lows can be intense, making it difficult to pursue more stable and grounded relationships.

Limerence, with its dramatic swings between euphoria and despair, can be highly addictive. You might be hooked on the emotional rollercoaster, craving the intense highs and bracing for the inevitable lows. It's akin to an addiction, where the brain becomes accustomed to, and even dependent on, the surge of chemicals associated with this intense infatuation.

The problem is that these emotional highs are often fleeting and unsustainable. They're followed by periods of anxiety, longing, and even heartbreak. This cycle can become deeply ingrained, making it difficult to break free. You might find yourself unconsciously seeking out situations that trigger limerent feelings, even if they ultimately lead to pain.

The thrill of imagining a reciprocal connection, the anticipation of a chance encounter, or the fleeting moments of perceived validation can become influential motivators. You might prioritise these emotional peaks over more stable and balanced relationships. The constant stimulation and emotional intensity can create a sense of drama and excitement that feels strangely comforting, even if it's ultimately detrimental to your well-being.

Breaking this emotional addiction requires a conscious effort to recognise and disrupt these patterns. It involves learning to regulate your emotions and finding healthier ways to experience joy and connection. You might need to explore the underlying reasons why you're drawn to this emotional rollercoaster and develop strategies for coping with the inevitable withdrawal symptoms that come with breaking the cycle.

Comfort Zone

Limerence can feel safer than the vulnerability of meeting someone new. You have a sense of control over your fantasies, unlike the unpredictable nature of real-life interactions.

Limerence, despite its intensity, can paradoxically feel safer than the prospect of forming new relationships. When you're limerent, you have a degree of control over your fantasies and the narrative you create around the object of your affection. This contrasts the vulnerability and uncertainty inherent in meeting someone new and navigating the complexities of a real-life relationship.

In the realm of limerence, you dictate the terms. You can replay imagined scenarios, control the level of intimacy, and avoid the potential for rejection that comes with genuine connection. This sense of control, however illusory, can be strangely comforting, particularly if you've experienced past relationship difficulties or harbour anxieties about opening yourself up to someone new.

The fantasy world of limerence allows you to sidestep the messy reality of human interaction. You don't have to face the possibility of incompatibility, disappointment, or the challenges of compromise. It's a curated experience, tailored to your desires and anxieties. While this might offer temporary solace, it ultimately prevents you from engaging in the rewarding, albeit sometimes daunting, process of building authentic relationships.

Stepping outside this comfort zone requires courage and a willingness to embrace vulnerability. It means accepting the possibility of rejection, but also opening yourself up to the potential for genuine connection and lasting happiness.

Taking Steps to Move On

If you're ready to move on from limerence, you need to take concrete actions. This means finding ways to replace limerent behaviors with other activities and discovering sources of meaning and fulfillment outside of the limerence.

Recognising that you're stuck in a limerent cycle is the first hurdle; actually moving on requires a concerted effort. It's not simply a case of wishing the feelings away; you need to dismantle the patterns that perpetuate them actively.

Firstly, identify and consciously disrupt the behaviours that fuel your limerence. That might mean stopping the constant social media stalking, resisting the urge to analyse every interaction, or ceasing the endless daydreaming. Replace these habits with constructive activities that divert your attention and energy. Engage in hobbies, pursue personal goals, or spend time with friends and family.

Secondly, cultivate a sense of self-worth that isn't dependent on the validation of your limerent object. Reconnect with your values, strengths, and passions. Focus on building a fulfilling life that brings you joy and satisfaction, independent of anyone else.

Thirdly, challenge the distorted thinking that often accompanies limerence. Question the idealised image you've created of the other person and acknowledge their flaws and imperfections. Remember that real relationships are built on mutual respect, compatibility, and shared experiences, not fantasy and projection.

Finally, be patient with yourself. Breaking free from limerence is a process, not an overnight transformation. There will be setbacks and moments of weakness, but don't let them derail your progress. Acknowledge your feelings, learn from your experiences, and keep moving forward.

Seeking Connection

Connecting with friends, family, and other people is a good antidote, even if it doesn't provide the same intense thrill.

One effective antidot to the isolating experience of limerence is meaning. Meaning is cultivating and nurturing connections with others actively: people, your values, your goals. While the intensity of limerence might make other relationships seem lacklustre in comparison, it's crucial to remember that genuine connection is built on shared experiences, mutual respect, and emotional intimacy, not on the fleeting highs of infatuation.

Reach out to friends and family members, rekindle old friendships, or explore new social circles. Engage in activities that connect you with like-minded individuals, whether by joining a club, volunteering for a cause, or simply spending more time in social settings.

Remember that connection isn't always about romantic relationships. It's about building a supportive network of people who care about you and value your presence. Sharing your experiences and emotions with trusted confidants can help you feel less alone and provide valuable perspective.

Even small acts of connection, such as having a meaningful conversation with a colleague or offering a helping hand to a neighbour, can contribute to a sense of belonging and well-being.

While these connections might not provide the same dramatic emotional rush as limerence, they offer a more stable and fulfilling form of intimacy. They provide a sense of groundedness, support, and belonging that can help you navigate the challenges of moving on.

Professional Help

Consider seeking professional help to overcome limerence. A therapist or coach can provide guidance and support in navigating this complex experience.

Sometimes, the complexities of limerence can be challenging to navigate on your own. If you struggle to break free from the cycle, or if the experience significantly impacts your well-being, seeking professional help is a sensible and proactive step.

A qualified therapist or counsellor can provide a safe and supportive space for you to explore the underlying causes of your limerence and develop strategies for coping with the associated emotions. They can help you identify and challenge distorted thinking patterns, address any unresolved emotional issues, and build healthier relationship skills.

Don't hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional if you feel you need extra support. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and can be a crucial step in your journey towards healing and recovery.