I have limerence: am I cheating on my partner?

Don’t let limerence make you forget that a relationship is about honesty and trust. Does that mean your partner needs to know about your limerence? Knowing your partner is limerent with someone else is likely to be painful for them, even for a generally understanding person.

Every relationships has a set of spoken or unspoken rules, and you are the one responsible for upkeeping them and communicating with your partners about any lack of clarity or wishes to deviate. Having limerence can be framed in the sense of a mental/emotional addiction to longing. Most of the time there is very little support for the feelings or any genuine connection with the limerent object that would jeopardise your relationship.

However there are exceptions, if you are acting on your limerence in a way that would be cheating (whatever that means as per your agreement with your partner!) then it doesn’t matter that it’s due to limerence, it’s still cheating. So the question is: if you were behaving in the exact same way you are in this situation but were not limerence (but instead, let’s say, mildly interested in this person), would this count as cheating? Are you exchanging flirty messages? Going on dates? Having sex? All those things can be assessed without bringing limerence into the equation.

Back to the question of whether you should tell your partner. It’s likely to put a strain on your partner and your relationship, so you really have to think about why you want to share this and how you think this will help rather than damage your relationship in the long run. Don’t let limerence make you forget that a relationship is about honesty and trust. Does that mean your partner needs to know about your limerence?

The truth is knowing your partner is limerent with someone else is likely to be painful for them. Even for a generally understanding person. Every relationships has a set of spoken or unspoken rules, and you are the one responsible for upkeeping them and communicating with your partners about any lack of clarity or wishes to deviate. Having limerence can be framed in the sense of a mental/emotional addiction to longing. Most of the time there is very little support for the feelings or any genuine connection with the limerent object that would jeopardise your relationship.

However there are exceptions, if you are acting on your limerence in a way that would be cheating (whatever that means as per your agreement with your partner!) then it doesn’t matter that it’s due to limerence, it’s still cheating. So the question is: if you were behaving in the exact same way you are in this situation but were not limerence (but instead, let’s say, mildly interested in this person), would this count as cheating? Are you exchanging flirty messages? Going on dates? Having sex? All those things can be assessed without bringing limerence into the equation.

Back to the question of whether you should tell your partner. It’s likely to put a strain on your partner and your relationship, so you really have to think about why you want to share this and how you think this will help rather than damage your relationship in the long run.

Remember that honesty is important in any healthy relationship but make sure that honesty doesn’t cause more hurt than good! That is not the same as saying you need to discuss everything, as oversharing or sharing inappropriately is also a risk. It’s not an easy decision to navigate, it’s up to you and your understanding of what your partner wants from you in your relationship.